I'm in Rome, reassessing my strategy for when I return to Naples. Its easier to think and plan here because I'm not so distracted. In Naples I've made a lot of associates and my phone is always ringing, I'm not used to that, but its a nice change. Its like I reinvented myself. Before I was always by myself, but in Naples I have to talk to people because that's how I get work and everything that I need in between.
I've developed a plan but I worry whether I am flexible enough to accommodate the wonderful spontaneity of life. What if something more exciting can happen? I always meet people who suggest that I go somewhere in Italy I never heard of, and I'm wondering if I can/should do it all, or just stick to the plan?
I've been reading a lot about Saturn's Return in Scorpio. Saturn's Return happens about every 28 years, and last for two years, so that you start your 30's assessing what you've done so far and where you want to go from there. Saturn will return to the place it was at the time of my birth in October of 2012, but I started feeling the affects of it last year. The second house of my chart falls on Scorpio. The house of possessions and what is valuable to me.
I've been going through some emotional changes regarding my self-worth, and have been focusing most of my energy on what I would like to possess in the future. I intended to keep it simple. It seems like the more you have the more you have to work to keep it, and the more you want. If I just keep it simple, with my solar powered RV the next 5-10 years of my life will be very fun and liberating, maybe that's all I want. And to do everything I'm afraid of. Like bungee jumping and deep sea diving, rock climbing, wind surfing, etc. If I proceed with my focus solely on a simple adventure-seeking existence, I would be lying to myself. Sure I'd be content for max, five years chasing excitement, but I know I'll get bored. I do want more, and I'll probably keep wanting more. I feel like this is the time to take all of that into consideration.
I know I'm in for some serious emotional changes in respect to the road I choose. It already started happening. I thought that I wanted to settle down and have children, but the experiences I've been having revealed that to be a false path. Walking off that path was the scariest thing, because I knew what I was walking away from, but I didn't know what I walking towards. Now that I feel that I found my new path, I feel very anxious and at the same time hesitant or cautious, about achieving my goals, its like I've become completely consumed with what I want, and how to get there.
Because I know that its a possibility that while on this road, I may discover another that appeals to me more; I am concerned with how far ahead I should plan. Just how much do I narrow my focus? If its too narrow, I can miss out on other opportunities. If its too broad, I can become distracted and make an unnecessary detour.
I am also becoming quite obsessed with sex. What I love most about it is that all five senses are involved. I find it spectacular. Even more since I lost weight (from a size 11 to a size 5 - yes, literally ran my ass off). I enjoy the feel of my own body and I'm damn confident about my sexual prowess. Being physically active doesn't help, when I was lazy and over-weight, I didn't have a lot energy for sex. I'm back to the size I was when I was 18, and I want to have sex the same way I did back then, with lots of energy. Sure there are other things that are just as great or better, but I swear its my favorite. However, I'm not sure how to go about that area of my life, one of the reasons I began studying the Kama Sutra.
Contrary to popular perception, especially in the western world, Kama sutra is not an exclusive sex manual; it presents itself as a guide to a virtuous and gracious living that discusses the nature of love, family life and other aspects pertaining to pleasure oriented faculties of human life. Wikipedia
Sex plays in heavily with my idea of self-worth, probably because the second chakra or Svadhisthana, is the dwelling place of the Self. If I don't want to be married and have children, if I'm not interested in a career, what am I worth to myself when looking through the lens of the physical world? At this point in time. My looks are very important to me, as well as being athletic and healthy. I care more about what I eat than every before, and whether I'm active enough. I've become quite bored with mental pursuits, aside from the art of conversation, writing and painting. I'm hoping physical pursuits, experiences and traveling will resuscitate the creative area of my life. I need inspiration, it is my creativity that I'm relying on to create financial security in the long run.
I have become more interested in learning things I can do with my body, like strength-training, yoga, kung-fu, parkour, etc. In my opinion focusing on these areas of my life will improve my self-worth, or this idea of value I place upon myself as I aspire to be priceless.
I think one of the effects of this influence is to destroy the false constructs, survey the foundations to see if their sound, if not destroy those as well and start from scratch. Like the tarot card, The Tower. I'll discuss the continued demolition of my false towers in another post.
Scorpio is like boiling water or frozen water, always extreme, black or white, there are no gray areas. Along with the intent to create or destroy, therefore transformation is inevitable. Saturn provides structure, so those foundations damned sure better be sound before I continue building. I want to fully surrender to these energies, learn, and prepare for the rest of my life. I feel potential inside of me exceeding that which I feel I am capable of. I can be so much better than I am! Even if it means that I must "die" and be "reborn" over and over before the process is complete (just to start again). If I resist I know I will suffer, and I didn't come this far for that.
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